Blue and pink ribbons, a symbol I never imagined having a personal connection to let alone a symbol that would have double the impact on our lives.  I mean we were done.  Done.  God had blessed us with four beautiful children, one that I get to love as if she were my own and three that I grew inside my womb, we have our big family, we were good.

I did have a nudge once (maybe twice) of expanding our family.   I remember the internal dialogue vividly, is this me? Is this God?  Oh my gosh what is this?  So I did exactly what they tell you in Church to do, I went and talked to everyone about this nudge on my heart except  God.  Do you hear the sarcasm?  What did the World do?  They responded in the only way they knew how… Isn’t your plate full? What will happen to your career?  Can you handle that?  Needless to say, I ignored the ‘crazy’ thought and I stuffed the feeling way down, not to be thought of again, until one day in July.

It was a normal day in the Niespolo world, Geoff and I had been in continued conversation about marriage purpose, leaning into what God wanted from us next.  I remember not feeling great while running, but I do not remember what led me to get a test, all I know is that I was shocked when I saw the faint pink line.  

Do you see it!?!  I asked Geoff, he confirmed and we went into full blown panic.  What were we thinking?  How are we going to do this?  We can’t handle this?  All the worldly reactions we could experience were at the forefront of our minds.  But as we turned to God for wisdom, our faith resumed and we slowly regained confidence, unfortunately that confidence was short lived.  We experienced our first pregnancy loss in early August.  It stung, it hurt, we were really sad, but I also remember feeling stupid for feeling sad as we already had children?!? I felt confused, we thought this was God’s nudge?

Per usual we brushed ourselves off and got back up, we grieved but we knew God had a plan so we put one foot in front of the other and moved forward.  We drew closer to God, together.  We prayed, we still felt that nudge.  We were scared and continued to worry about the world views (silliness) of expanding our family, the financials and time it will take, but we were also excited about the possibility.  We prayed some more.  After following the doctors guidelines, we put action to our faith and leaped blindly, we tried.  We were shocked at how easy it was, we were pregnant after one round, this had to be God’s plan.  

This time was different, we weren’t scared, we felt peace, we leapt hard.  I made the appointments, I ordered the teas, got the progesterone, we were excited.  But then on a Saturday morning in late September, I woke early to get ready for my morning group run and was stopped dead in my tracks.  The immense pain I felt instantly when I realized it was happening again is something I wish upon no one.  “This cannot not be true”, I remember thinking.  How could this be happening again? “God how could you let this happen… again?!?!”, It was (is) horrible.  Everything about this pregnancy felt meant to be, it was perfect. 

The loss the second time was ten times more painful than the first, we were wrecked and are still processing.  We cried, our kids saw, it was too much.  But the only thing that we know is constant is knowing in our hearts that God has a plan.  We know it takes boldness and bravery to step into faith and we totally leapt blindly and as much as this hurts we know good will come as we are already learning. 

We are learning that blind faith means blind faith, through it all, even when it doesn’t work out the way we thought.  Learning that we would rather live life as full as possible, despite the hurt and potential pain because living is a gift in itself.  Learning to only listen to God versus this world.  Learning to trust him no matter what, even in this darkness because we know the overall peace we feel despite the pain is from him.  Learning to be grateful for what we have. Learning that a loss is a loss, no matter what stage of life you are in.  I have learned that these experiences can be completely isolating and I do not want that to happen anymore that is why I felt the more recent nudge to share. 

To the women that have walked this path before me, the amount of empathy I have for you is unwavering, I see you and I will be better to support you, because no one should walk this alone.

We don’t know what his plan is for our family, we don’t even know if we will take this leap again, but what we do know is that he is talking.  The day my second miscarriage was confirmed by the doctor, I walked out of the store to see Double Rainbows, a sign of hope of good things to come, this was the confirmation we needed, we know everything is going to be OK.

And to my sweet angel babies in heaven, Mama loves you, I cannot wait to hold you in heaven.